Trooper Chat #7: The Apette Chronicles
by Lady Electra
Summary: An Apette comes on as a guest...but this time there's a twist


Fade in.  
  
(The crew of Trooper Chat is in the break room. Kim's reading a magazine, Rachel and Elizabeth are playing cards, Bob and Nurse Logan are talking, and Jason and Laurie are duct taping a gagged and bound Max to an empty chair. Dan walks in)  
  
Dan: Guys, we're doing tonight's show somewhere else, so we'll be able to accommodate tonight's guest.  
  
Bob: Just who is tonight's guest?  
  
Dan: The name escapes me, but it's a Skinnie, so to have them on the show, we've got to do the show in one those special rooms that's designed for them and you know what that means (yanks a rack of powersuites from off camera).  
  
Laurie: All right!   
  
Dan: Sorry Psycho Chick, no extra's on these little numbers.  
  
Laurie (grabs hers): *growls*  
  
Jason (holds up powersuite/whining tone): Dan, my fairy costume's not gonna fit over this. Do you think that maybe I could get a scoutsuite, or if not something in at least a light blue?  
  
Dan: No buts fairy boy.  
  
Jason: But my costume is my...  
  
Dan: Sorry, but you'll just have to make do with whatcha got. I'm surprised FedNet even gave us these.  
  
Kim (getting into hers): I'm wondering about that myself.  
  
Nurse Logan (moving around): Is it supposed to be this sung?  
  
Elizabeth (looking at suite): Does this green really go with my eyes?  
  
Rachel (already in hers): It's gonna clash a bit, but no one will notice.  
  
Kelly (looking at her backside): Does this make my butt look big?  
  
(There's a round of groans and foreheads being slapped)  
  
Bob: *mumbling* That's one question that shouldn't be asked.  
  
Dan (to Kim): Was she born that way, or did it just sorta develop over time?  
  
Kim: She's just sorta been like that. Well? What are we standing around for, we've got a show to do.  
  
(Everyone puts on their helmet and walks out)  
  
Fade out.  
Fade in  
  
(Elizabeth and Dan are sitting on a couch, in their powersuite's, in a room that looks like the old set)  
  
Dan: Hello and welcome once again to Trooper Chat. I'm your host Dan Wilson.  
  
(Close up on host)  
  
Elizabeth: And I'm your co-host Elizabeth Clark. Well as some of you might have noticed our attire we're having the show in a different spot, as much as this looks like the old set it isn't. This is actually in a secret...  
  
Dan (whacks Elizabeth upside the head): Loose lips sink ships! Tonight our guest is a Skinnie from the plant Tophet, just like Attonbitus (holds up pet then stashes it behind the couch).  
  
Elizabeth: So without further adieu, please give a warm welcome to *looks at cards* T'Clar.  
  
Dan: Hey! How come you've got the cards; I'm the host.  
  
(T'Clar comes out waving both hands and grinning. She sits down next to Elizabeth)  
  
Dan: Hello T'Clar, welcome to Trooper Chat.  
  
T'Clar: Thanks for having me.  
  
Elizabeth: There's notin' to it. So let's start with the questions. T'Clar what group are you from?   
  
T'Clar: I'm an Apette.  
  
Dan: Cool, but just how many Apettes are there?  
  
T'Clar: Quite a few.  
  
Dan: Just asking, So what got you into R: STC in the first place?  
  
T'Clar: Well one day I was just flipping through the channels, saw it, watched it, and loved it.  
  
Elizabeth: That seems to be what everyone does. Just flip through the channels and poof! They get hooked.  
  
T'Clar: Is there a problem with that?  
  
Elizabeth: Ah...no, I'm just find it's a little strange that's all.  
  
Dan: Sounds like dumb luck to me.  
  
T'Clar (whacks Dan upside the head): There's nothing dumb about it!  
  
(Jason comes bouncing out of left stage, he whacks Dan on the side of the head with the frying pan, which doesn't work because Dan's in a powersuite)  
  
Jason: *crunch* C'mon, go unconscious (he continues to hit Dan till his face turns red). Oh I give up (pulls out 3 different kinds of green wrapping paper). Which one do you like, I've got infantry green, forest green, and metallic green.  
  
Dan: I wonder if Fednet will let me keep this, or at least the helmet?  
  
T'Clar: The forest green looks cool.  
  
Jason (shrugs): I like the metallic green myself, but that's just the kind of fairy that I am.  
  
T'Clar: And we all know what that is.  
  
Jason (strikes the corny pose): Yes! I am the one, the only, Jason the Intel Fairy (runs off stage left)!  
  
Elizabeth: Well now that Jason's made his interruption for the night, why don't we continue wit the questions. So who's your fave Roughneck?  
  
T'Clar: Take a wild guess.  
  
Dan: Just humor us, please.  
  
T'Clar: *sigh* I like T'Phai.  
  
Elizabeth: T'Phai? Why would you like him? I mean he's not even human.   
  
(At this Dan rolls his eyes and shakes his head)  
  
T'Clar: Do I look human to you?  
  
Elizabeth: Ugh, yeah, er...no, sorry.  
  
Dan: So what do you use to catch this guy?  
  
Bob (off stage): I told you that the normal sized box wouldn't work for this job, we need something else.  
  
Laurie (off stage): Then find that 'something else' that will work! And mean on the bounce!  
  
(Bob runs across the stage. He runs back across a few minutes latter carrying a long cardboard tube)  
  
T'Clar: Should we...  
  
Dan: Don't worry about them.  
  
Bob (off stage): All I could find was an old carpet tube.  
  
Laurie: That'll work, and if not, then I'll make it work (insane laughter)  
  
T'Clar: Are you sure Psycho Chick really describes her?  
  
Dan: Yeah.  
  
Jason (off stage): Guys, we've got a little bit of a problem, there isn't enough forest green paper to wrap this.  
  
Rachel (off stage): Then use a second color.  
  
Dan (to off stage group): Would you psychos keep it down over there! I've got a show to get done!  
  
Elizabeth: YOU have a show to get done? Last time I checked Dan, we did this thing as a team.  
  
Dan (slaps forehead): You know what I meant!  
  
Elizabeth: No, I don't know what you mean why don't you tell me.   
  
Dan: We'll be right back after this.  
  
Elizabeth: Tell me what you meant.  
  
Fade out.  
Fade in  
  
(T'Clar, Kelly, Dan, Kim, Bob, Nurse Logan and Rachel are seated around long tables. Elizabeth is seated in front of them at yet another table with a strange circular thing next to her)  
  
T'Clar: Ugh, what's this about?  
  
Bob (whips out scrip): For being short on imagination at the time, and because we had Nurse Logan write this...  
  
T'Clar: While I'm still alive.  
  
Bob: We're playing BINGO!  
  
Nurse Logan (peeved): And what's wrong with that?  
  
Dan: Nothing! So lets just try to get this sentence of cruel and unusual punishment over and done with.  
  
Nurse Logan: What's wrong with BINGO?  
  
Dan: I'd tell you, but we only have so much time, so Elizabeth lets get started.  
  
Elizabeth (reaches into thing and pulls out Ping-Pong ball): B-25  
  
(Everyone who has that number puts a marker down on their card. This carries on for about 10 minutes, by then everyone but Kelly, Nurse Logan, T'Clar and Elizabeth has knocked out by sheer boredom)  
  
Elizabeth (about to fall asleep): O-6.  
  
T'Clar: Man, if that was just a 9 then I would've won.  
  
Elizabeth (perks up): Did I say O-6, I meant to say O-9, I was reading the stupid ball upside down.  
  
T'Clar: Oh, okay BINGO!  
  
Nurse Logan: What? How? I'm playing 6 cards! She couldn't have won!  
  
Kelly: How can you tell that it's a 6 and not a 9?  
  
Elizabeth: Because I can! Hey guys bring out the prize so T'Clar can see what she won *evil chuckle*   
  
(Laurie and Jason drag out a large tube that has been wrapped in metallic and forest green paper. The way it's done it looks like an old fashioned barbershop poll).  
  
Jason: Here ya go. Hope you like it.  
  
Laurie (hands T'Clar a gold watch): I put a hypnotic suggestion on this one, so he shouldn't try and get away   
  
T'Clar: You can do that?  
  
Laurie: Yeah, it's been something I've been dabbling in for a little while, I've done it to Jason a hundred times over watch this (at the snap of her fingers Jason starts clucking like a chicken).  
  
T'Clar: Okay... (rips off the paper and tube to reveal a very confused looking T'Phai). Hello.  
  
T'Phai: What am I doing here? Oh no, it is you again (starts backing up). I already have a life mate, I don't need another one (runs away).  
  
T'Clar (to Laurie): I thought you he wouldn't run away.  
  
Laurie: I guess I'm gonna have to work on putting suggestions on higer life forms, oh well, I'll help you catch 'im (runs off with T'Clar in the same direction as T'Phai)  
  
Fade out.  
Fade in.  
  
(Elizabeth, Dan and T'Clar are seated on the couch)  
  
Dan (stretching out): *yawn* Welcome back to Trooper Chat I'm your host Dan Wilson.  
  
Elizabeth: And I'm your co-host Elizabeth Clark. If you are just tuning in for tonight's episode are guest is T'Clar of the Apettes.  
  
T'Clar (waves): Hey.  
  
Elizabeth: So, you able to find T'Phai?  
  
T'Clar: Yep! Laurie's working on his hypnotic suggestion now.  
  
Dan: Are you sure that's a good idea?  
  
T'Clar: As long as I get T'Phai, I don't care all that much.  
  
(Just then a dazed T'Phai stumbles onto the stage, he pushes Elizabeth off the couch and sits next to T'Clar)  
  
Laurie (off stage): Good news, I was able to get the suggestion to work, bad news, I don't know how long it'll last. So I suggest you leave now and make the most of it.  
  
T'Clar (grins): Okay (gets up to go).  
  
Dan: What about the rest of the show?  
  
T'Clar: Oh sorry, but I've got to go. Bye-bye all you out there in viewer land (runs off stage with T'Phai)  
  
Dan: Laurie I'm gonna dock your pay one dollar for each rating point we lose.  
  
Laurie: I think Rico said it best. "Take nothing form noting and you get nothing." I don't get paid for doing this show!  
  
Dan: I'll find some way. Well since our guest has run off I'll be guessing that it's time to split. Bye.  
  
Fade out.   
  



End file.
